“Dog it’s like I’m fuckin’ 30 years old, I ain’t got no fuckin’ job, I put everything I have into this shit but I still find myself fuckin’ doin’ drugs, drinkin’, all fucked up by myself sittin’ on the couch in somebody’s house that I don’t even know… The loser birds are chirpin’ they’re drivin’ me crazy… This is what comes out of it.” –Skinny Cavallo
Ten two milligram Xanax bars. Genuine ones. No pressies, no sir. Mexican pharmaceutical, to be exact.
An eight ball of quality Cocaine.
Two grams of Molly.
Three grams of Ketamine.
A handle of Jack Daniels.
A handle of Jameson.
Half a strip of LSD.
Too many packs of smokes to even count. A carton, fuck it, we’ll call it a carton.
This is what it’s all come to.
Two years earlier…
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
My eyes open in slow motion before the nod pulls me under again. My right arm hurts. Oh wow, it really fucking hurts…
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!
Who the fuck is knocking at this hour?!
“HARRY?!!? OPEN THE FUCKIN’ DOOR NOW!”
I vaguely hear my aunt’s voice from deep within the void of the nod. Few things can make me give a fuck about anything when I’m shooting heroin. My aunt flipping the fuck out is one of those things, because she is my landlord.
I’m on the floor. Fuck. There’s an extension cord of some sort wrapped around my bicep. The arm it’s wrapped around is swollen and purple in some spots. The knob to my bedroom door begins to jiggle violently.
“IF YOU DON’T OPEN THIS FUCKIN’ DOOR RIGHT NOW I’M CALLIN’ THE FUCKIN’ COPS, HARRY, YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!? FIVE…”
I use my good arm to push myself up off the floor and get the cord off my gimp arm. The nod pulls me under again. I just need to get to the chair, so I can do a shot of crank, and straighten myself out…
“Alright, alright! Jesus Fuckin’ Christ! Gimme a God damn second!” I snap.
“DON’T YOU JESUS FUCKIN’ CHRIST ME, OPEN THE FUCKIN’ DOOR!”
I get up into my computer chair and scan the room. I don’t even know where the fuck to start. There’s Gatorade bottles full of meticulously capped and un-needled needles all over the fucking place. I never got around to throwing them out. I was too busy with some other shit…
Six months earlier…
“Drug usage is increasin’ since the last time, let go awhile and I’ll be back just like the last time…” –Kevin Gates
My sweaty, bare feet push against a stack of books propped up against an old Playstation box underneath my desk as my butt threatens to slip right off my computer chair’s seat and send me flat on my ass. I’ve got a death grip on my cock as I crank, crank, and crank, and a 550 pound woman eats a cake in front of me. She’s young, around my age, and models under the name Sweet Adeline. She’s wearing a pig snout and her big belly is spilling out onto the linoleum floor of her kitchen.
Sunken eyes nearly pop out of their sockets, which are weighed down by ugly, visible bags, the kind only insomniacs and drug addicts ever have. I suppose I’m a mix of both at this point. Crystal Meth will do that to a man.
I grab the same XXL Metallica tour t-shirt I had from when I was a fat teenager and pump a fresh batch of knuckle children inside of it. My heart rattles around in my chest at a thousand miles an hour while the muscles in my calves burn from all the focus and strain it requires to finally bust a nut on Crystal Meth. But when you finally do, God fucking damn when you finally do…
The t-shirt is crusty and somewhat damp from prolonged use. I wipe my hand off like the slob I am as I struggle to catch my breath. Sweat pours down my red face and it dawns on me I’ve been neglecting the basic human necessities of hydration and nutrition for some time now. To my credit, I’ve gotten much better at both while tweaking, but time has a way of getting away from you on this shit.
I wince as I X-out tab after tab of obscene extreme obesity porn. Monstrously overweight women eating and eating and eating, struggling to move afterwards, moaning as they rub their distended bellies, unsure of whether they’re disgusted with themselves or turned on by their own hedonistic gluttony. I like to think most of them fall into the latter camp, because otherwise, it’d be pretty depressing.
Humanizing these women does not make me feel good, especially after I’ve finally gotten my nut off. As I close the last tab I remember I ordered pizza from Domino’s. I haven’t eaten in at least 24 hours, and that’s being conservative. My order is ready for pickup.
Oh yeah, that’s right, I said pickup.
I’m not made of money, after all.
Plus, I much prefer being able to satiate my primal meth sex drive without worrying about the pizza guy showing up to ruin my fun and sending me into a paranoid frenzy.
But there is a problem, well actually, a few. I cannot people right now. For that, I need booze. I let out a grunt as I hoist the handle of Evan Williams from next to my desk and pour myself a double shot. I down it and chase it with a full bottle of Gatorade, because I need to drink my drinks and eat my food in a lump sum. I cannot drink and do something else. I cannot eat and do something else. I have to focus the laser guided missile that is Crystal Meth fully onto whatever task is at hand. Meth has a way of convincing you you’re never thirsty or hungry, even when your stomach is eating away at its inner lining and your body doesn’t have a drop of moisture left inside it.
As the Gatorade fills my stomach and begins to rehydrate me, my heartrate slows down and my entire body relaxes a bit. I take off the sweaty basketball shorts I’ve been cranking my hog in all day and slip into a pair of jeans that used to be pretty tight on me. They’re baggy as shit now. I can barely keep ‘em up without a belt. But my only belt is for shooting up, and I don’t feel like putting it on just to impress some shithead at Domino’s.
The liquor and the Gatorade vie for supremacy within my stomach, and the liquor seems to be winning. I open my desk drawer and pick up the ten gram bag of shards, studying as if I don’t have enough shit to last me three lifetimes over right here. It’s 10:30 PM. Domino’s won’t mind if I’m a bit late getting myself together…
My jaw aches as I sink my teeth deep into the leather and saliva runs down my belt’s weathered strap. I flex my fingers and make a fist, smacking the top of my arm and running my free hand’s fingers up and down the surface to find a good spot to hit in. The tops of my arms are most advantageous for shooting up, as nobody else knows I’m back on meth, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. The freckles that line the tops of my arms, in addition to some concealer, make great camouflage for track marks.
Luckily for me, I have a lot of options as far as veins are concerned. There’s a mole that rests almost directly on top of one of my best ones, and I position the tip of the needle just behind it before digging it into my flesh and pulling back on the plunger.
My eyes open even wider as the barrel flushes red and I slowly push the plunger down, taking meticulous care not to slip out and give myself an abscess. Meth is arguably the least forgiving of all IV drugs when it comes to abscesses, and I’ve spent many, many, a night pushing white-hot wash cloths down on inflamed injection sites praying and wishing and hoping that I hadn’t fucked up enough to require medical attention.
I been lucky.
I pull the needle out and wipe the fat droplet of blood from my arm as the rush takes over and my horniness is reignited. This is gonna ruffle some feathers, but fuck it, I’m gonna say it.
IV meth has a better rush than IV heroin.
My pupils are as big as those fuckin’ things cats drink out of as I get into my car and drive to Domino’s. When your pupils are this big, everyone looks like they have their high beams on.
“What’s with the fuckin’ high beams, cocksucka, you tryina’ kill me?!” I shout as I ash my cigarette out the window.
Thankfully for not only me, but all the unfortunate motorists driving alongside me, Domino’s is but a short drive from my apartment. Paranoid by Black Sabbath roars through my speakers as I whip down the road with no regard for the speed limit, seatbelts, or DUI laws. I take a last haul off my cigarette as I pull into the Asian strip mall, the last place you’d ever expect to see a fucking Domino’s…
Fuck me, there’s a line. I should not have done that shot. Nothing, and I mean nothing is worse than waiting in line when you’re tweaking. I would rather grind up an ounce of the stickiest weed on planet earth by hand while peaking off a ten strip of LSD than wait in line on meth for more than five minutes.
There’s a family in front of me as I glue my sleepless eyes to my phone and use my free hand to hold my pants up. All I want, all I fucking want, is to get my food and go home. Centering my laser-focus on my cellphone is all I can do right now, or I will literally go crazy.
My head whips up from my phone and I jam it into my pocket, almost hard enough to send my jeans around my ankles. I awkwardly pull the waistband up like an old man, only for it to slide down again, dangerously close to my dick.
“Harry Miller. I uh… I fuckin’ did an order…” I stammer.
I’ve been up for a while. Two days, I think? I don’t fucking know anymore.
“SMOKIN’ WEED, SIPPIN’ SYRUP, LATELY I BEEN GETTIN’ SWERVED…” –Jelly Roll
I speed home with my medium cheese pizza and order of cheesy bread. I have a lot of masturbation to do, and all this food nonsense is beginning to irritate me. I throw an episode of Uninformed With Bill Burr and Joe Derosa on as I choke down two slices of pizza and the end piece of the cheesy bread, which when combined with the stomach bile I’ve been sustaining myself with for the last day or so, is enough to sustain me and turn my attention to more important matters…
“Yeah I’m 26 years old and I ain’t done a god damn thing but fuckin’ sell dope and go to bars…”
Suddenly, it’s 5 AM. I know because I can hear my aunt upstairs getting ready to go to work. My skin is red and my dick is shriveled in my hand. I’ve been taking shots of Evan Williams and shooting more crank intermittently, but I haven’t cum. I was supposed to write tonight, but all that’s on my screen is…
“…Lisa let out a long sigh as her belly pinned her to the couch, helpless to her own gluttony as it sat in front of and around her in the form of empty soda bottles and takeout boxes, as if to mock her. ‘How had she ever let it get this bad?’ Were her last thoughts as she entered the food coma…”
Jesus fucking Christ. I got fifty pages of shit like this written.
And what the fuck am I supposed to do with it!? What publisher or website would see this horrid, embarrassing, erotic fat fiction and think “HMM, THIS GUY SEEMS STABLE!”
My room smells like a chimpanzee exhibit as disgust washes over me and the unmerciful light of the sun begins to seep through the blanket and curtain I stuffed into my basement apartment window precisely to prevent realizations like this.
I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I need to stop. I’m all done, I wanna get off.
I put my dick back in my shorts and take a few swigs of Gatorade. I open my drawer again.
No benzos, fuck…
Fent it is then…
I started this whole thing under the impression that I could function on meth far better than on heroin. For some reason, one substance or the other just has to be in my life. I cannot live without them. I mean, c’mon, you see how much fun I’m having here…
I had some money left over from my last meth pickup and stumbled upon someone with Fentanyl mixed with some inactive cuts, essentially making it Sam’s Club heroin. You can fill in the blanks, I’m sure. If you can’t, it’s not that important…
Usually in an undertaking such as this I’d be much more careful of avoiding track marks. But it’s the end of day three (?) of a meth binge, and I just wanna get off. That’s all I wanna do man, I just wanna stop. I just wanna go to sleep. That’s all I wanna do, is go to sleep.
My Meth-induced determination prevents me from changing spikes or picking more strategic spots. The needle gets duller and duller as I stab it in and out of my arm. It should be easy, but I’m so dehydrated that getting a hit is very difficult. Blood trickles down the litany of puncture wounds lining each arm as tears form in my eyes and I nearly bite through my belt.
“FUCK! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!”
The idea of snorting the Fentanyl doesn’t even occur to me. It simply isn’t an option. I’m not even strung out on this shit, it’s more of a novelty to keep me from getting strung out on benzos, my other go-to drug when it’s time to sleep on meth. My heart continues to race around my chest as I put the blood-stained, battle-tested rig down on my desk and wipe my arms with wet wipes. Some of them have already begun to bruise, brown and ugly.
I take another swig of whiskey and tie off again, finding a decent vein in my hand and sinking the worn needle into it. Blood surges into the barrel, much more quickly than usual, the sign I’ve hit an artery.
But arteries are still veins.
And I’m still a junky.
Like a get out of jail free card, my anxiety and overstimulation are replaced with comfort and serenity. My eyes close and I take a deep breath through my nose before awkwardly staggering to my feet and going to the bathroom. My white t-shirt looks like the tarp from American Psycho, and my black shorts are stained with a deep, ugly, maroon. I turn the water on and calmly lather up my arms with soap and water, cleaning the caked up blood plastered on both of them. As the red slowly fades into clean running water, I dry off my arms, and go to bed.
“HARRY, I’M NOT SHITTIN’ YOU, OPEN THE FUCKIN’ DOOR RIGHT NOW!!!”
This is my Tony Montana moment, I suppose. My Bonnie and Clyde final shoot-out. One last shot, one last drink, one last drag of one last cigarette.
I ignore my aunt and try to prep a shot of meth. I get as far as mixing it up before I hear the keys jingling and the door swings open.
“WHAT?! I… HOW THE FUCK… I DO NOT FUCKIN’ BELIEVE YOU… I DON’T FUCKIN’ BELIEVE YOU. YOU MOTHAFUCKA. I PUT YOU UP HERE, I COULDA BEEN CHARGIN’ YOU DOUBLE, TRIPLE, WHAT YA PAYIN’ NOW. AND YOU THROW IT IN MY FUCKIN’ FACE WITH THIS SHIT!?!”
I start nodding off again as she struggles to process what she’s witnessing. She grabs me by the collar and smacks me in the face.
“WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR I’M CALLIN’ A FUCKIN’ AMBULANCE! YOUR GETTIN’ FUCKIN’ SECTIONED, HARRY, I SWEAR TO GOD.”
Being sectioned is no joke. Basically, there’s this law in Massachusetts that allows anyone to tell on anyone for excessive drug or alcohol use, and they will be forced into treatment or jail, depending on what you’re addicted to. There’s some kinda time limit for it, I think they call it the Baker Act somewhere else, but honestly? You want my honest opinion? I think it’s a crock of shit.
Yeah, lock a guy up for having drugs on him. Take his license away. Fuck it, y’know what? Plaster his face in the paper, too. Make him pay for a lawyer he could never afford to begin with, and whatever you do, make damn sure he loses his job, if he even has one, that junky degenerate piece of shit.
You could put a rehab on every street corner in America, every suburb and every ghetto, and give a scholarship (I always thought that was a funny way to describe it, since every drug addict I know was a major fuck-up in school, myself included) to every junky in the country. You could do that, but what you and nobody else on planet earth can ever do, is talk a junky outta using. I’m pretty sure I just plaigerized the shit outta Drugstore Cowboy. Sorry Mr. Van Sant, no disrespect intended.
So, with all that in mind, it does seem a bit silly to think you can force someone into treatment and magically make it take. But I get it. Watching someone destroy themselves so willingly is something non-addicts can never wrap their head around. Because it defies logic.
“HARRY, LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME YOU LITTLE SHIT!”
“Sup?” I ask, barely able to keep my eyes open.
“ARE YOU GONNA FUCKIN’ DIE OR WHAT?! LOOK AT ME, HARRY, KNOCK THIS SHIT THE FUCK OFF, RIGHT NOW! I GET YOU THAT JOB, I GET YOU THIS PLACE, AND ALL YOU DO, ALL YOU FUCKIN’ EVER DO, IS GIVE ME FUCKIN’ TROUBLE. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”
My aunt raises valid points. For such a small woman, she can put the fear of God in me, at least when I’m not nodding out on heroin. She looks like she coulda been an extra in a Def Leppard video thirty years ago. The kinda lady who never got the memo that sniffing coke and smoking cigarettes wasn’t cool anymore. Not that I’m in any position to criticize anyone for their vices…
Two days earlier…
“Aye bruh. Hmu. Got something to tell u bout.” Slim texts me.
I roll my eyes. This is interrupting valuable masturbation time. I haven’t seen Slim in damn near a year, since I got on subs, rediscovered meth, and got off subs to pursue a career as a tweaker full time. I can maintain a functional meth habit, at least that’s what I tell myself. Heroin is too hard to hide. I just can’t do it.
I thought I made this abundantly clear to Slim, but I can’t knock the man’s hustle.
So I call him.
“’Sup?” I ask.
“How you doin’ bro? Haven’t seen you in a minute.” He replies.
The meth had emboldened me as I pound a shot of whiskey.
“Right to the chase, I feel you. Anyhow, my man just got back from Cali, and he brought over some things you might have an interest in…”
“He got them fuckin’ shards you told me about. That Tina.”
“Yeah? And how much is that gonna set me back? Considering he came all the way out here and whatnot…”
“You ain’t let me finish, bro. He also got some of that tar. I’m tryna get him to get more. Shit got scooped up real quick. I guess they can’t put that Fentanol shit in it as easy or somethin’. I told him to get me a damn dump truck worth of that shit, ‘cause everything out here dirty as fuck right now. Man I been sellin’ dope damn near twenty years and I ain’t never seen nothin’ like the shit I’m seein’ now. Everybody’s droppin…”
“Tar, huh? I’m pretty good on the shards. No offense or anything, but I don’t think his shit’s gonna be up to snuff for me.”
“Figured as much bro-bro. But the tar is legit, straight fire.”
“Anybody drop from it?”
“Fuck kinda question is that, nigga?”
“What’ll you do a G for?”
“I could let my last one go for seventy. Old time’s sake and all.”
“If I make it a hundo can you come to me?”
“Hell yeah I can do that. You still at the same spot?”
“Ight. I’ll be in touch.”
I step outside on my back porch for a cigarette, excited for the first time in a long time. I haven’t shot dope in a while. Before I can even flick the butt into the coffee can filled with rain water that serves as my cigarette graveyard, I can hear the booming boom-bap hip-hop music blasting from Slim’s Mazda.
I was never much of a car guy. Or an anything but drugs and music guy, really.
I go under my bed to my stash box. It’s been looking dire for a while now. I recently had a brief foray into the Cocaine business. It was not particularly fruitful, but it got me the $300 or so I’d blown on a quarter ounce back, and allowed me to have some fun, and that’s all that really matters, ain’t it folks?
Needless to say, I don’t think a re-up is in Harry’s future any time soon.
Unless, of course, it’s whiskey, heroin, or crystal meth.
“There you are bruh, a 1.1.” Slim says as he tosses me a corner bag of tar.
“I thought this shit came in balloons or whatever.” I reply as I study the bag.
Slim shrugs. “You know you gotta cook it, right?”
“Yeah I’m pretty sure I know how to fuckin’ shoot dope, man. The fuck kinda fiend do you take me for?”
“Man, you won’t believe the amount of mothafuckas that have called me up sayin’ this and that, shit won’t shoot, yadda, yadda, yadda. Once I tell ‘em you gotta cook it, though? They don’t say shit. I even got one guy to start bootin’ it ‘cause I told him you can’t snort the shit.”
I smile. Every once and a while Slim says some shit you gotta hear to believe. I can’t act like I didn’t miss that every now and then.
This fent epidemic has been out of hand for some time now. I often tell people close to me it was one of my primary reasons for getting out and getting “clean.” But to tell you the truth? Nothin’ would make me happier than getting a hot bag right now. Slipping away into the great unknown, not knowing shit but happiness and nothingness.
“I’m bustin’ my ass tryina’ get more of this shit, so lemme know if you need more.”
There’s an awkward silence between the two of us. I get up and go to my room, Slim leaves. There’s nothing in my shithole apartment worth stealing that I haven’t stolen already from myself. I pull the spoon from my drawer and dump a few shards of crank into it, along with a big ol’ glob of tar.
I haven’t blinked since I started mixing up my shot. This here, this is a special occasion. I shoot up every day, but it’s rare that I’m ever in the presence of some premium black tar. I believe such a monumentous occasion does not afford me the privilege of searching for a concealable vein. This is going right up ol’ faithful, the crook of my right arm.
Pulling back the plunger, the black mixture gets even darker, not an air bubble to be seen.
Houston, we’re ready for take-off.
“I’M CALLIN’ YA MOTHA AND YA FAHTHA, YOUR ASS IS OUTTA HERE, I SWEAR TO GOD, HARRY, THIS IS IT. NO MORE FUCKIN’ SECOND CHANCES.” My Aunt Mary screams at me as she presses her phone to her ear.
I slip back into the nod.
“JIMMY?!! IT’S MARY. LISTEN, YOU’RE NOT GONNA FUCKIN’ BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND IN YOUR FUCKIN’ SON’S ROOM. BLACK TAR FUCKIN’ HEROIN. SOME SORTA CRYSTAL SHIT, I’M ASSUMIN’ IT’S CRANK, HE’S GOT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ PILLS TOO, SUBS, THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ NINE. I WANT HIM OUT, JIMMY, I WANT THIS MOTHAFUCKA OUTTA MY GOD DAMN HOUSE RIGHT NOW!”
Good thing I’m high as fuck, otherwise the gravity of this situation might drive me to jump out the window and run into oncoming traffic. I grab my smokes and light one up, as if I’m trying to top the level of disrespect I’ve already shown my Aunt.
“AH YOU OUTTA YA FUCKIN’ MIND?!?! PUT THAT FUCKIN’ THING OUT! THE FUCK IS THE MATTA WITH YOU, HARRY?! HUH?!!? YOU KNOW WHAT YA GONNA PUT YOUR FUCKIN’ MOTHA AND FAHTHA THROUGH WITH THIS SHIT!?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE. YOUR FUCKIN’ FAHTHA TOLD ME YOU WERE DONE WITH THIS SHIT. BUT I GUESS NOT, HUH?! I GUESS FUCKIN’ NOT. THE APPLE DON’T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE, I’M TELLIN’ YA…”
An undisclosed amount of time passes and I regain consciousness. My aunt is still on the phone as she rifles through all my shit.
“WHERE THE FUCK AH YOU, JIMMY!? YOU DON’T SHOW UP IN FIVE MINUTES I’M CALLIN’ THE FUCKIN’ COPS.”
“Jesus Christ, he’s got fuckin’ cancer and you’re botherin’ him with this shit…” I say, the walls of heroin so high they’re impenetrable by such things as reason and logic.
Aunt Mary stops going through my shit and trains her gaze on me.
“You got no idea…. You got no fuckin’ idea… How bad you just fucked up… I went through this horseshit with ya fahtha, you’re outta ya fuckin’ mind you think I’m doin’ it again. Outta ya fuckin’ mind…”
Present day, y’know, the one I started this shit at.
“Name dropping no-names, glamorized Cocaine, puppets with strings of gold!!!!” –Vince Neil
Come to think of it, it does seem excessive when you look at it all together like this.
I’m about halfway through the eight ball. This has been day four of my detox week off from Subs. I’ve yet to encounter the insufferable, Hellish, withdrawal symptoms described to me from junkies in real life and on the internet alike. Maybe because I tapered down to practically nothing and jumped off right. No disrespect I just don’t like being lied to…
“Dear Slim, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’…”
Eminem, live at Comerica Park in Jersey, summer 2014 plays over the living room TV as I sniff line after line, smoke smoke after smoke, and pound shot after shot. I was there in person for this shit. Me and Jack. Sniffin’ coke and getting money without a care in the fuckin’ world. Riding through life at 90 MPH with no seatbelt, no conscience.
“I can relate to what you’re sayin’ in your songs, so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put ‘em on…”
These days my life is a lot more stable. I work full time. I have my own car, my own place to live, a roommate that doesn’t care about the hard drug bender I’m going on. I got a fucking savings account, I started investing money…
As if I have my shit together…
But here it is, the million dollar question…
Why the fuck am I not happy?
(TO BE CONTINUED…)